Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
