i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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