I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
