the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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