East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
