He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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