Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
