its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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