I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he fucked my hip out of place.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
