How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
