how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
