You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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