I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
