dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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