So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
