halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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