so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
