Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
