I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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