I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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