neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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