So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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