So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Randomize
