Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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