I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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