Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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