It's like a parade of train wrecks.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
