Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I supernannyed him into submission
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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