you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
