Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
