heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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