I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
