So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
