we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
