Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
