why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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