WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
