just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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