here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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