I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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