im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
