Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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