thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
