my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he shaved USA in his pubs
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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