DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
