Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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