His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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