:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
