his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
