I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
