Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
