Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
